I woke at 3:00 AM feeling relaxed and yet… Well… I’m not sure what you would call it. I locked in on my breathing and the things that have transpired over this past year began scrolling through my mind; my brother’s passing, the arrest, people saying that my niece wasn’t raped because a court didn’t say so simply because they are worried about how they look in the scheme of things, my anger and frustration with the Mental Health profession, plus a few other things. But when I attempted to dial in on the issues, I felt the familiar push back and registered a message from the inner clockwork telling me it’s all being handled. “I’d like to believe that!”
When I rose at 5:00 AM, after playing ESP Trainer on my phone for about an hour, I put coffee on and spun for 30 minutes. I pushed hard and am paying the price for it now.
The pendulum has swung hard left as a result of the aggressive workout, and my eyes are swimming on and off as I write this. But… “At least I know why!”
If it’s still happening when the inspector comes to look at my apartment, I’ll just sell him on the concept of me having allergies to pollen in springtime. “I can do that, and I shall!”
He doesn’t need to know the real reason for the waterworks. No one can help with that at this point anyway and while medications are out there to help with the regulation of mood, “That comes with its own hazards regardless of who wants to believe that.”
I have the certifications in a filing cabinet draw along with the various belts and Gi still in my closet. So, knowing full well what I’m capable of, playing with mood altering drugs is just not a bright idea. I’d rather feel like shit than do something stupid without realizing it because of medication. I made that mistake once long ago and, “Won’t do so again!”
And… Maybe things really are in the works, those situations that have frustrated me the most over this past year truly being handled. “I just wish it was all done yesterday!”
Sometimes I feel like I’ve wasted decades of my life on people that weren’t worth it. People who should have been worth it but have proven beyond a doubt to me that I’m seen as nothing more than property; just a pawn put on this earth to serve them. Of course, I’m now pretty certain that they see everyone else that way too.
So… The answer going forward is, “No.”
If you are sick enough to insist that a kid is lying about being sexually assaulted by her dad because you hate their mother for calling you on your bullshit and other reasons that threaten your perceived image of self, “I have no place for you in my life!”
If you are someone in general who cares more about your own personal image rather than the pain you claim to have inflicted on someone only accidentally… Well… “There’s no room for you in my life either.” You’re an asshole, “And always will be!”
Real human beings don’t tell other people that their experiences are an illusion without having hard facts to back that up. You don’t get to throw a kid under the bus because you’re worried about being perceived negatively by association yourself.
Neither do you have the right to pretend you care about what is said about the dead when you never had a use for them when they were alive. You don’t get to write me off when it’s convenient for you either.
None of this is acceptable. None of this will be tolerated any longer.
And… While I have no doubt a few people are keeping tabs on me simply because they are worried about the damage I could do to their reputation… Well… If you want me to see you in a positive light, “Give me a reason to!”
Otherwise, you can expect to get what you have given. It probably won’t be from me. But to be perfectly clear, those who care more about their own reputation and money more than anything else, “You can go fuck yourself!”